BY Dwayne Nelson (QSP)
Grand Rapids, MI — The rigors of a book tour that has brought both high sales and high drama apparently caught up to Andy Mozina at Schuler’s Books in Grand Rapids Saturday afternoon. After thanking his host for her “shamefully generous introduction,” Mozina mumble-sang the opening bars of “The Star Spangled Banner,” then suddenly tipped backwards, bounced off a table covered with books, spun sideways, and fell face down on the floor.
The three audience members were shocked when Mozina moaned, “It’s a lectern, not a podium!”
Under questioning from paramedics, Mozina confessed to eating a “half pound, maybe more” of peanut M & M’s just a few minutes before addressing his audience. In his pockets were several “buy one get one free” coupons for 64-ounce bags of Twizzlers.
Mozina’s appearance on the sidewalk outside the Clinton Public Library in Clinton, MI, has been postponed pending his return to health.
There were several reports that Mozina had been quarreling with his personal chef in the days leading up to his collapse.
The heavily disguised mystery chef, a fixture at Mozina’s readings up to this point, was not a part of Mozina’s entourage at the Grand Rapids reading, sparking speculation the two had had a falling out over Mozina’s increasingly unhealthy diet. In a voice distorted by a mouthpiece that alters the timbre and inflections of the speaker, the chef had been overheard yelling “you’re not taking me down with you!” in the parking lot of a KFC in East Lansing just days earlier.
Mozina issued a press release from his home in Kalamazoo where he is recuperating, calling on his readers to “remember why we started this book tour in the first place” and exhorting them: “SNACK FREE OR DIE!!!”