Mozina Collapses at Lectern During Book Event

BY Dwayne Nelson (QSP)

Grand Rapids, MI — The rigors of a book tour that has brought both high sales and high drama apparently caught up to Andy Mozina at Schuler’s Books in Grand Rapids Saturday afternoon. After thanking his host for her “shamefully generous introduction,” Mozina mumble-sang the opening bars of “The Star Spangled Banner,” then suddenly tipped backwards, bounced off a table covered with books, spun sideways, and fell face down on the floor.

The three audience members were shocked when Mozina moaned, “It’s a lectern, not a podium!”

Under questioning from paramedics, Mozina confessed to eating a “half pound, maybe more” of peanut M & M’s just a few minutes before addressing his audience. In his pockets were several “buy one get one free” coupons for 64-ounce bags of Twizzlers.

Mozina’s appearance on the sidewalk outside the Clinton Public Library in Clinton, MI, has been postponed pending his return to health.

There were several reports that Mozina had been quarreling with his personal chef in the days leading up to his collapse.

The heavily disguised mystery chef, a fixture at Mozina’s readings up to this point, was not a part of Mozina’s entourage at the Grand Rapids reading, sparking speculation the two had had a falling out over Mozina’s increasingly unhealthy diet. In a voice distorted by a mouthpiece that alters the timbre and inflections of the speaker, the chef had been overheard yelling “you’re not taking me down with you!” in the parking lot of a KFC in East Lansing just days earlier.

Mozina issued a press release from his home in Kalamazoo where he is recuperating, calling on his readers to “remember why we started this book tour in the first place” and exhorting them: “SNACK FREE OR DIE!!!”

By amozina

Author of the short story collections THE WOMEN WERE LEAVING THE MEN and QUALITY SNACKS and the novel CONTRARY MOTION.


  1. Andy, just remember how tough it was to quit eating Cap’n Crunch until the roof of your mouth bled. That was dangerous, hard-core, snack’in. You can lick this thing!

  2. And ho-dee-hey, the Clown Prince of The Rust belt serves up another steaming and festering pile of out/and/out LIES. Duane Nelson my eye. Mozina, your outdoing yourself on God’s green Ineternet for everyone to see. And the jokes on YOU. Or its ABOUT TO BE.

    So laugh it up some more, Mr. Funny Joke Man (thats what they call you in CLOWN COLLEGE). There’s a path for the humble and righteous amongst us, and its spelled A-T-O-N-E-M-E-N-T. And the security door is closing and the jetway’s about to retract.

    Am I making my self clear enough?

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