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KALAMAZOO (QSP) — Today Andy Mozina announced the principles that will govern his diet on the upcoming book tour for his new story collection, QUALITY SNACKS.

“I’m focusing on lean proteins, vegetables, and an experimental line of synthetic foods based on the original formula for Hawaiian Punch.

“In my thinking and living, I try to combine the best of the natural world and the artificial world—and I think my diet does that,” Mozina explained.

Asked whether his diet announcement was aimed at countering one reviewer who called QUALITY SNACKS a “disgusting, junk-food-stuffed, crotch-grab of a book,” Mozina calmly responded: “I don’t know what you’re asking because I literally cannot comprehend negative thinking. Basically, I have no idea what you’re saying.”

Mozina also refused to reveal the name of the personal chef who will travel with him during the tour. The chef will accompany him to each event but will wear a mask and various prosthetics to conceal the chef’s identity. At critical moments, the chef will wear special oven mitts designed by Mozina.

“Kitchens are sometimes places of intense heat,” Mozina noted. “If you don’t have the right oven mitts, you’re asking for trouble.”

The two sides of the mitts are imprinted with images of the front and back covers of QUALITY SNACKS, which will be released May 1st.